Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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