textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
The beer is more important than you right now.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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