Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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