Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
