My liver just broke up with me...
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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