i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
she woke up with a sticky ear
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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