hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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