How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Hippo gnu deer
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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