She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
