gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
he fucked my hip out of place.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
