i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
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