Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Randomize
