my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Randomize
