get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
