The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
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