Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
