Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
