i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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