Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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