Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
