sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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