I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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