Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
