home. puking in laundry basket.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize