I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
