Will you blow on my dice?
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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