Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
