seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
