do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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