I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
