Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
My feet surprised me
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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