Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
