So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
