anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
