I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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