ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
