He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
