i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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