If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Sober January is a disaster.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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