just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
