I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
