bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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