so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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