it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
