nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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