I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
