Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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