remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
