At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
