I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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