Moan for me like Helen Keller
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
