Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
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