I will die if light touches me.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
