i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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