I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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