I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
