I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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