Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Randomize
