Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
